I keep hearing my dad's voice saying, "He doesn't trick His children Becca. He doesn't give them snakes and rocks instead of fish and bread. He is good, He has never let me down even in my darkest hours. He has never abandoned me. He has a plan and it is good, trust Him." He repeated this through the whole process of going overseas, when the doors to Spain closed, when we had to come back for visas, when his health was failing...this is what I would hear.
When Jeff and I sat in the small office and we heard the words cancer, terminal, spread to lungs a tsunami hit. And we knew even then that this tsunami would cause a thousand waves into the hearts and minds of the people we love most. We still wake each night and morning in a free fall. Stomach tightening as we remember again and again where we are, what path we are now walking. We move from despair to hope over and over.
The outpouring of love and support is overwhelming. On days when the path feels too hard to walk we pour over the songs, scripture, and all the love written out. And little by little we are sharing with the boys the messages. One night as Luke tossed and turned in bed I went in to talk. He started with "Mom, can I ask you a question?" Sure I said, bracing for the hard. "Do you ever doubt God? I mean with all the stuff that has happened this year, do you ever want to ask why me, why us?" But here is the beauty in the hard. We began to list all of the things we had been given this year alone and by the time we got to this past week it was easier to see a good God, a kind Father. We have a rule right now that every time they ask something about the cancer, future, or our faith we will answer them. Even if the answer is hard or it is that we don't know. But every single answer, even the I don't knows, are bookended with our great love for them. How we would give anything for them to know they were created in love and with purpose. And that our love is a thimble full compared to the vast ocean of God's love. And each time we speak this truth to them, we feel it grow deeper in our own hearts.
Jeff and I were flown to London this past week to get more testing and a second opinion. Jeff also got tested for HER2. This is a protein in cancer cells that make it very aggressive and fast growing. I had a feeling Jeff would test positive because of how quickly the doctors think it has spread. We found out last night that he did test HER2 positive. This will change his treatments to a much more targeted one. We are very confident that for the time being we are to stay in Scotland and that he is to start HCX as soon as possible. We are grateful the other option of basic chemotherapy (EOX) is now off the table. This new combination has way fewer side affects and he is hoping to continue doing what he does best. We have had to make a lot of decisions and more are to come as we walk this out. Please keep praying for wisdom in all of these areas. We are surrounded by an incredible local community here that have been the hands and feet in so many ways. And the prayers and encouragement from the state side community has held us up in these last two weeks when we were ready to wave the white flag.
We have read every email, text, and face book message. There is not nearly enough time with three life loving boys to be able to respond to them all just now, Each one has left of a mark on our hearts and helped bring light into dark parts. Thank you.
Ian's favorite song right now is You Make Beautiful Things, by Gungor. Each night after prayers he asks if we can sing it together. The first few nights I couldn't, but he kept asking. We always start quietly and end up yelling it more than singing it on the last go. While I was typing this earlier he made a video of himself singing it much to my delight. Now you can sing along with us! We are trusting that He will make beautiful things out of dust, beautiful things out of us.